how does a body become the site of contradiction?

 how does a body become the site of contradiction?

to exist is to be perceived. to be perceived is to be interpreted. to be interpreted is to lose authorship.

we cannot author ourselves. we can only write and rewrite the self on borrowed paper, in borrowed ink. sometimes the letters don't make it through the translation. sometimes the translation is the violence.

a boy calls me beautiful and means disposable. a woman on the bus stares too long and doesn't smile. a friend tells me i am brave.

if i dress like this, i’m asking for it. if i don’t, i’m ashamed. if i speak, i’m aggressive. if i’m silent, i’m weak. if i cry, i’m unstable. if i don’t, i’m cold.

a body like mine is always under construction.

pulled apart and reassembled by hands that are not mine.

a body like mine is always under critique.

measured, doubted, spoken over.

a body like mine is always under threat.

targeted by those who fear what they do not own.

so i dream of being illegible.

i start to confuse the voice in my head with the voices around me.

proposing questions i never asked to answer.

who am i, outside of their perception?