i don't want you to apologize.

  I don't want you to apologize. I want you to feel all of it. I want you to drown in the guilt. I want to be the one to hold you under. The same way you held me, without any mercy, without second thoughts. 

I'm tired of being gentle, being tender, soft-spoken, tired of swallowing my anger like it's poison. Tired of being silent. I want to scream. I want the world to hear me. I want you to hear me. Under all that guilt, I want you to suffocate in it. Choke on the shame you avoided.

 I want you to know what it feels like to carry all of this anger, this sadness, this pain.

 I want you to carry it on your back, have the heaviness weigh you down. You don't get to apologize for things you should have never done in the first place. You don't get my forgiveness. Some scars run too deep, and this damage cannot be undone. 

And if this makes me a monster, I'll wear the fangs, I'll let the blood drip from my fingertips. If turning ugly makes me seen, what a great monster I will be. 

My tenderness will not be the weapon that kills me. I'll choose cold over kindness, even if it keeps me from being gentle for the sake of someone who's only waiting to break me. 

I'd rather be a monster in this world full of beasts than be soft in a world that devours me whole.

...

Gee, is it sunny out here?

-zee.